How could I ??

The thing which I'm afraid most is happening again, how could I?? Sometimes it's not because I don't want to get something which I aspire to have, but it's the fear that is stopping me. Because I'll always think of what would happen if I were to lose it one day. And this thought of losing it is stopping me whenever I attempt to get it.

So it's just like I'm playing a game with myself, trying to do everything against my own will. This is really pathetic, but I don't know why I have such thought in my mind. So can you imagine the number of times I've disappointed myself, it is countless!! I thought I could change this but this part of me is just too hard to be gotten rid of. My life is ruined by myself, how could I ???

Yes I know that this is not right, but I just can't help it. I don't know why I like to torture myself so much and in such crazy manner. 

Really sorry for all these boring posts recently, can just ignore them if you think is annoying. I just want to voice out here. And no offence because it's utterly about my own self who can't speak certain things with my self-sealed mouth.